Cuffing Season is almost upon us! As much a part of autumn as cardigans and apple picking, Cuffing Season refers to the time between summer and the first frost when people get coupled up in preparation for the cold winter months. That means it’s time to get on your apps and get swiping.
Apps aren’t going anywhere; they’re a fixture of the contemporary dating scene. But which app should you use to find the perfect match for you? Different apps attract different users. Dating apps are like GPS, they’re meant to point you in the right direction, even though you’re the one in the driver’s seat. So, which romantic GPS do you use? We’ve created a list to explain which app to use depending on the sort of person you’re seeking…
If You’re Looking For A Nice Accountant To Marry: Hinge
Hinge is the dating app that self-identifies as the “anti-Tinder.” In 2017, the app proudly reported it had more mentions in the New York Times Weddings section than any of its competitors. Often touted as the app that’s “designed to be deleted,” Hinge prides itself on asking users to fill out robust profiles with prompts like “The dorkiest thing about me is…” Users are then encouraged to engage with people whose answers they find intriguing. It’s a built-in conversation starter that avoids the Tinder trap of folks thinking you’re hot and just sending a “sup.”
Hinge doesn’t just talk a big game; the statistics back up their claims. An impressive 75% of first dates found through Hinge lead to second dates, not just a “u up” text at 2 in the morning three weeks later. The efficiency of the app (i.e. going on fewer dud dates) is probably why the app is so popular with millennial professionals who work long hours. In short, Hinge is the official app of Cuffing Season. Sign up, and who knows? You could be sipping pumpkin spice lattes with a tax attorney named Todd some time soon!
If You Love Guys Who Live In Their Moms’ Basements: OkCupid
Now, before you come at me, let me say I met some amazing men (including my husband) on OkCupid. While my husband is a fabulous guy who has a job and knows how to do laundry, I also met far more 35 year-old man-children who were living in an aunt’s attic while trying to make it as a bluegrass musician. If you’re looking for a guy who’ll let you pick up the cheque at dinner (probably because he doesn’t own a debit card), OKCupid is a cornucopia of creative, well-meaning guys who’ll likely wear the same suit they wore to their high school graduation when you invite them to be your plus-one at a wedding.
If You Like Receiving “U Up?” Texts At 2 AM On A Tuesday: Tinder
Yes, we all know a couple who met on Tinder, got married, and now have two adorable kids and a labradoodle. But for every white picket fence, Tinder likely produces a million and three hookups (This is not an official Tinder statistic, just my own personal estimate). If you’re looking for more of a meat market than a marriage market, Tinder is here to deliver all the hot hookups you can handle. So go enjoy your sex-positive self!
If You’re Seeking a Pretentious Douchebag: The League
Developed by Carnegie Mellon grad Amanda Bradford in 2014, The League brands itself as “a dating app catering to the intelligent, educated and ambitious.” Yes, this app’s name is as pretentious as its concept. The app is available to queer and straight folks alike; however, you do have to apply to be accepted into The League’s pool. The League demands access to both your Facebook and Linkedin profiles, which they use to assess candidates based on education, career achievement, and personal appearance. Eye-catching, professional quality photos are a must here! This app is great if you’re after affluent folks in their twenties and thirties who occupy offices with windows and vacation in Kauai.
If You Lust After Lazy People: Happn
Happn is an app that boasts over 50 million users. What makes it unique is how the app tracks your movements to match you with people with whom you’ve crossed paths in real life. Yes, the app basically stalks you, but like, in a consensual way. Happn is perfect if you’re in the market for a paramour who is too lazy to commute to the opposite end of the city for love, or if you yourself are someone who’s too lazy to commute to the other side of the city for love. You and your new boo can expect a blissful life of staying in of a Saturday night and only enjoying brunch at restaurants within a half-mile radius of your home. In short, this is the app sexy hermits have been waiting for!
If You’re Into That “Sexy Murderer” Vibe: Plenty of Fish
I’m not saying everyone who uses plenty of fish is a murderer, but a disproportionate number of people on the app have that “Did I see you on an episode of Cold Case Files?” look. If you’re into blurry photos and straggly moustaches, POF is a veritable paradise.
If You’re Looking For A Guy Who Calls Himself A Feminist But Sends Unsolicited Dick Pics: Bumble
Bumble bills itself as a feminist dating app. An impressive 85% of its employees are women, and its design requires female users make the first move. For these reasons, Bumble has become known as one of the more progressive ways to find a date; however, just because women get to send the first message, that’s no guarantee the second one won’t be creepy. I have plenty of girlfriends who’ve received unwanted dick pics while logged into Bumble. Sure, you may meet someone who is genuinely there for the app’s feminist rep, but don’t be surprised if you also come some specimens who think signing up for a “feminist-friendly” app somehow entitles them to show you their peen.