This morning I was in the car listening to the morning show on my usual driving radio station. One of the announcers, a young single guy, was talking about a great first date he’d just been on. The other two DJs, both married, thought it would be hilarious to call the young woman in question on the air. The single guy was justifiably not into the idea, but the marrieds thought it would be a total hoot.
I found myself getting irrationally angry, and I wasn’t sure why until a woman, who sounded about my age, and pretty smart, called in and voiced what I had been thinking: single guy announcer had only gone on one date with this girl, and calling her on air would project far more intensity than only one date warrants. The action would be an indicator that he’s way more into her than he even knows he is yet.
To his credit, single announcer agreed, saying that maybe after a 3rd, 4th or 5th date an on air call could fly, but definitely not now, much to the disappointment of his married counterparts. They didn’t get why it was a big deal, and therein lay my anger, because this is the type of thing that I’ve experienced time and again, dating in 2018.
No, I’m not dating radio announcers who call me on air after one date. The pattern I’ve noticed is this: men coming on super strong, super fast, only to disappear without warning.
If you’re not sure about someone you’ve just met, or have only hung out with a time or two, you need to be cognizant of what you do and say in those early days so as not to project a level of interest that has yet to build. I’ve had men who’ve asked me to come meet their family for Christmas on the second date. I’ve had guys say they can see themselves having children with me after hanging out once. I’ve had men ask me to travel with them after knowing each other for a week. The common thread? These guys tend to disappear just as quickly as these thoughts pass through their heads.
Oh, and I’m still single.
Recently I went out with a guy that I met, how else, through a dating app. Our texting banter was great off the bat, so we agreed to meet for a drink. He picked the place, a bar that, as it turned out, was owned by a good friend of his. Already, this first date was a lot more intense than your average, with me meeting multiple friends of his at what was one of his local hangouts, and hearing his life story and some very personal details right away.
We ended up having a great time together. The night flew by, and he took me home and kissed me goodnight. We spent days texting back and forth and further getting to know each other, and it began. He wanted to take me out for dinner and pick the place. He wanted to make me dinner on Valentine’s Day, and didn’t care about the implications. He wanted to go on vacation with me, even naming places that he’s travelled to that he wanted to show me. He wasn’t speaking in ifs, he was speaking in WHENs. It was intense, and it was all coming from him, while I sat back with cautious optimism. Since I’ve been accused of not showing interest when I feel it, I made sure to express to him that my caution wasn’t due to a lack of good vibes, but to my past experience with, you guessed it, guys coming on too strong to fast.
We hung out once more, this time with him meeting a couple of my friends, which I thought was fair to reciprocate given his actions. We had a great time, everyone got along great, and I thought it was safe to get excited about someone for the first time in a while.
And then I never heard from him again.
I could (and I have) sit around and wonder what went wrong, what I did, what I said to make him lose interest. The ego blow was real. But in the end, it was him who made all the grand plans, and injected the promise of a future into something that had barely begun. Days past without hearing from him, except a cursory “I’ve been busy” response to one exploratory text I sent. After many days of nothing again, I reached out on the night of that promised dinner, to ask why he would come on so strong, only to ghost. I even said it would probably make a good article. To the surprise of no one, the gentleman in question did not deign to reply. Hey, I tried to get his side guys, you heard it here.
The moral of the story, gentlemen and out of touch married people, is this: if you’re not sure about someone, don’t act like you are. I’ve been told that some men do this to “try on” a concept in their minds, ie to see if they can imagine bringing a girl home to meet his parents, or if they can picture themselves a couple’s vacation with a new girl. Cool story bro, just keep those notions to yourself until you know what’s up. Because what’s decidedly NOT cool is getting someone’s hopes up without knowing what your true feelings or intentions are.
Got a similar story or experience? Tweet us at @weraddicted or me at @thenadiae and share it, so I know I’m not crazy. Thanks!