I’m here today to talk to you about a modern day affliction. It’s a sad reality of dating in the digital age, and evidence of the serious mental and emotional regression of humanity as we know it. I’m talking about the dick pic.
Ever since men have been able to hold a camera, they have been trying to photograph their junk. The industrial revolution gave us the dick daguerreotype, advances in autochrome technology in the early 20th century gave us dicks in color, and Polaroid popularized the “instant” dick pick with no need for an embarrassing trip to the grocery store photo lab. And now that everyone in the world had not only a camera in his or her hand, but a means to transmit photos instantly to his or her viewer of choice that the dick pick found its true place in modern history, and as such, modern romance.
If you’re a woman with a pulse in 2016, you’ve been on the receiving end of a dick pic whether you’ve wanted to be or not. As EIC Mark Munroe and I have discussed at length, while gay men take great pride and joy in both the giving and receiving of dick pics, there are some rules when it comes to boy/girl genitalia photography related interaction. Having received my fair share of dick pics, some welcome, most not, I wanted to give the dangly junk gender some protips on the process to ensure that every dick pic is a wanted and welcome one.
Do: Take a GOOD Dick pic
Don’t: Take a BAD dick pic
Let’s start with the basics, shall we? Regardless of how/when/why a guy is sending a dick pic to a girl, he’s got to take one first. Technique and skill are very important here, and should be just as important to you as the subject of your sexy photo. Don’t send over the first shot you take – take several, pick the best one. Women barely want that picture as it is – we REALLY don’t want the sad, dark, blurry and grainy first attempt that you lazily send over. Take as much pride in your work as you do in your penis, and make sure the photo you hit send on is something you’d want to be seen because FYI, everyone we know is going to be seeing it.
Do: Set up the shot
Don’t: Be messy and lazy about it
This tip is very much in line with the one above. While ensuring that the subject of your shot is displayed to its full advantage, the setting of the shot is just as important. I don’t care if you’ve taken a dick pic that Ansel Adams would be proud of – if the background is your gross, hair covered and mildew stained dude bathroom, you’ve already lost. Also consider the rest of your own body and its placement in the photo. Did you manscape? Suck in that beer belly? Strike a bit of a pose to add either humour or sex appeal to the shot, (depending on what you’re going for)? These are things you have to think of, along with WARDROBE! While I know you’ve probably had to remove your lower half clothing in order to access your unit, I don’t need to see your saggy underpants pooled around your dingy gym sock clad ankles when you’re showcasing your family jewels. Tidy up the studio, hide the shame of your dollar store socks and skivvies and make sure that shit doesn’t show in your dick pic.
Do: Send one upon request
Don’t: Send one unsolicited
Fellas, I hate to break it to you, but the majority of women out there literally never ever want to see a picture of your penis. When it comes to cocks, women generally only care about them when they’re in the same room and about to (hopefully) show us a good time. That’s not to say some women don’t want to see what you’ve got in photographic form, because sometimes, some of us do. But when that is the rare case, WE WILL TELL YOU. I know you’re dying to show your little you off to everyone in the world, but if you want to keep him as a part of you for the foreseeable future, don’t assume we’re as excited to look at a photo of junior as you are, because we’re not.
Do: Consider context
Don’t: Be random about it
Generally if you’re sending a dick pic to a lady you fancy, it’s because you’re not physically together at that time, but that doesn’t stop desire. Photos are an important part of the sexting process. A dick pic sent as part of a heated conversation is probably the only time you don’t have to implicitly ask to send one – you’re talking dirty, and want to show what that dirty talk does to you. In cases such as these asking if a dick pic would be welcome is still a best practice, but you’re far less likely to get your head(s) bitten off for sending one without asking, as long as the conversation warrants it. Sending a dick pic over in the middle of a chat about the weather, that evening’s plans, or a bad day at work is just awkward, weird, and totally unsexy. Don’t do it.
Do: Give us a heads up
Don’t: Surprise us
Let’s say you’ve found that unicorn of a woman who loves looking at photos of your dick all the live long day – hey, she may be out there. But chances are, she’s got a job, a family, friends and other humans that she interacts with or passes by in the course of her dick loving life. So before she opens that message thread from you in the middle of a work lunch only to assault both her and her colleagues eyes with your member, maybe let her know that you’d like to send a little something her way that is for her eyes only. Not all of us have quick enough reflexes to hide our phones from our work moms, lest they see what and who we do on our spare time.
Gentlemen, it’s not that the ladies don’t like your dicks. We just don’t need to be visually assaulted by them at any given time of any given day. Be considerate, be respectful and be creative! We can all have fun with dirty photos, let’s just do it right.