I’ve always been fairly certain that I don’t want to have children. I’m not sure when I first made this decision, or if I can even classify it as one. It’s more like a lack of desire to breed. I don’t get those pangs some women apparently get when they see babies; that feeling of “yes, I want one of those for my own!” Generally when I see babies, three thoughts go through my head: 1. Wow, cute baby. 2. Please don’t cry, please don’t cry, please don’t cry. 3. Oh god, what’s that smell?
Surprise excrement and my aversion to high pitched wailing aside, I’ve never understood why people need to create a little piece of themselves to fling into the world, usually putting their bodies through hell in the process. And while that may sound somewhat judgmental, please understand that it’s not. I have all the respect in the world for mothers (except for those crazy, snobby, weirdo ones – you know who I mean and you know who you are). I think raising children can definitely be a wonderful experience for some people. Some people excel at it; it comes naturally to them, and that’s a beautiful thing. But I also think for every “born to parent” person out there, there is also someone like me; someone who never pictured themselves having children and are perfectly okay with that. So why is it that so many people are so not okay with me and my fellow non-breeders’ decisions to keep our DNA to ourselves and not project it into the world, natural clone style?
The older I get, the more I’m bombarded with questions about my breeder/non breeder status. I think it’s a huge misconception that every woman has the urge to procreate. What’s worse is that when I tell people that I don’t have that urge, I am usually presented with one of the following condescendingly sage pieces of advice or ostensibly thoughtful questions that, frankly, I am sick of hearing. So for all of you wise or wannabe parents out there who think you’ll be the one to make my uterus ache to be filled with one of these truth bombs, kindly save your breath, as I will rebut each one of them right here.
You’ll change your mind when you’re older
Guess what, y’all: I’m older. And I didn’t change my mind. At age 35, my chances of conceiving naturally have, so I’ve been told, fallen off the cliff of likelihood and I’m just fine with that. In fact, I’d be happy to donate my apparently decrepit uterus to someone who would put it to its intended use. Maybe I can get a second stomach created to help me ingest alcohol better and avoid hangovers. Science, I’m looking at you. Get on this.
You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person
Is that right? Is all it takes the right penis to come along that the moment I look at it’ll be like YUP. THAT’S THE ONE. I WANT THAT MAN’S SWORD TO PUT A BABY IN ME. This, frankly, is insulting to women everywhere that all it will take is a man to make her change her about a very serious and very personal decision. The only things men have ever made me change my mind about are my taste in liquor, that it’s just fine to date someone shorter than me, and that I can measure my brow game against Cristiano Ronaldo’s.
You need someone to take care of you when you’re older
Then we’ll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.INSTAGRAM – @thesimpsonsbestmoments
Posted by The Simpsons Best Moments on Monday, August 3, 2015
I’ll take my chances with social services and hope that my friends’ kids, who I’ve bought records for and will hopefully take for their first drinks and tattoos, will visit me in whatever home I end up in.
But you’d make such beautiful babies!
“But…you didn’t.” – Nadia’s brain.
You’ll change your mind when your friends start having babies
God bless you my baby having friends for being honest, open and incredibly graphic about your childbearing experiences. If there was any chance that I would have changed my mind when I saw your beautiful little nuggets that I very dearly love, it was nullified by your tales of intestines laid out on tables during c-sections and how oddly okay you were with shitting yourself in front of your husband, doctor and various and sundry other hospital personnel while in labor.
You don’t know what you’d be missing out on
Thanks to you live tweeting your pregnancy and subsequently oversharing your child’s upbringing on Facebook, I think I’ve got a fairly good idea of what parenting is all about. Social media Cole’s Notes FTW!
It’s the most rewarding thing you can possibly do in life
That was the sound of me punching you in the face and knocking you out because you were dumb enough to say that to me. Talk about insulting to every other goddamn thing a human can do with their existence, of which breeding is merely one.
Have you been egregiously insulted by someone trying to change your mind about having children? Share your experience with us in the comments or by tweeting to @weraddicted or @thenadiae. Big thanks to my lovely friend Ashley for adding her share of truth bombs to this list – we’re in this together, and this is a safe, baby free zone (much like our uteri!).
Now before all the parents out there jump down my throat, remember – I never tried to convince you not to have babies. Kindly do me and those like me that same kindness.