When I break up with someone, or end things with someone, that’s exactly what it is. It’s broken. It’s ended. Usually when something has to end with someone there’s a reason. Maybe things just didn’t work out. Maybe we just weren’t that into each other anymore. Or maybe something actually bad happened that led to the termination of that situation. In the latter case especially, a clean break is the easiest way for me to deal with things. I’m kind of angry for a while, then maybe a little sad for a while, then generally I’m just over it. At that point I’m ready to move on with my life. All that being said, it would appear that the gentlemen that I’ve dealt with in my life seem to disagree with my break up and move on method, to the point of pestering persistence.
For some reason, every time I end things with someone, whether is clean or dirty, serious or casual, or whatever in between, he seems super keen on being “friends” for whatever reason. I always find that incredibly perplexing, especially when for the most part, this person and I weren’t ever really friends to begin with. Yes, a closeness does come out of any sort of relationship, especially where intimacy is involved. That doesn’t always translate to friendship in my experience, even while still in the relationship while things are going well. So it continues to confuse me that when things are over, whether it’s in an amicable or unpleasant, these former men in my life push for friendship. It’s the pushing that perplexes. If a friendship was meant to come out of the situation, that would probably happen naturally. So ask for it feels like the most unnatural thing in the world. Actually no, it’s not. To ask for it over, and over, and over, after either it fails to grow on its own, or if I’ve explicitly stated that I’m not interested, feels like the most unnatural thing in the world. So, why do guys do it? Is it that every dude I’ve ever been is part of a 12 step program and I’m the last person they need to seek forgiveness from? And even if I do acquiesce to this real life Facebook friend request, will they even make the effort it would take to be a friend, or is it all in an effort to cross my name of their step 9 make amends list?
From what I’ve gleaned, most men can’t seem to exist comfortably if they believe someone out in the world is mad at them. Even when I’m perfectly honest and open with the fact that I’m ready to just move on with my life, and harbor no hard feelings to that person, he seems to get on his head that he’s done something wrong, that I’m mad or angry or upset. This realization is usually followed with some sage and sensitive advice: that I need to either get over it and/or forgive him, so that, of course, we can move past it and become “Friends”. I’m not really sure where that sentiment comes from. Even if a romantic situation ends badly, I’m not someone who holds a grudge. I mostly just learn from the situation and move on. A big part of that is learning who I should be giving my time to. If someone has been dishonest or careless with my feelings, in my mind, he hasn’t earned the right to my time. Time is precious to me, and I’d rather share what I have of it with the people that I love and care about. In my experience and in my opinion generally if a person in a romantic situation has hurt my feelings, I don’t really need that person around in my life when the romance is gone. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around butthurt about the last bro that things didn’t go well with. It just means that I’m spending my time the way I want, with who I want. That applies in any situation, whether it’s romance, friendship or anything else. And that means, ex-boys of all incarnations of mine, that I won’t be spending my time with you, unless you’ve actually earned it.
So gentleman, if I don’t want to be friends with you after things are over between us, it’s not because I’ve been sitting at home crying my eyes out and making voodoo dolls with the remaining hair and skin samples I found of you in my bed. If you’re still checking in asking if “we can be friends yet”, chances I’ve probably moved on with my life a lot sooner than you currently have. So whatever it is that makes you think that you need to come around every few weeks or every few months or in some cases every year so like clockwork to check in with me and see if I’ve forgiven you yet, or if we can be friends yet, kindly tell that little voice in your head to shut up. When I tell you that I’m okay without being friends with you but still wish you all the best, I mean that 100%.
Not everyone in the world is meant to be friends with each other just like not every relationship in the world is meant to work out. In the end, sometimes things just work better when people go their separate ways.