It’s 2015. The sexual revolution has long passed, and, if anything, we’re in its nth iteration right now. Casual sex is more acceptable and accessible than ever, whether you’re using apps like Tinder, or just getting your drink on at your local. With gender roles still very much an unfortunate thing, the general consensus is that those holding the vagina in the equation will be the ones to over-think, over-feel, and over-fuck…things up. But, in the ladies of Addicted’s experiences, it’s more often than not
1.The Nebulously Married/Involved Guy
Does it seem like even he isn’t entirely sure of his marital status? Have the details you do know been painstakingly extracted by you, kernel by kernel, from your tight-lipped heartthrob?
Well, newsflash: whatever pressure you applied to yield that tiny, factually murky diamond of pseudo-truth wasn’t worth the trouble.
Run. He’s fucked up over the situation, at the very least, and whatever exhilarating reprieve from it you may be supplying him with isn’t going to work out in your favor, even if no strings, casual funtimes is all that’s in your crosshairs. It doesn’t matter whether they’re better off moving on from each other; it’s not for you to decide, force or play second fiddle to. Let the grown man make up his own grown man mind and lay in the bed he makes all by himself.
Who needs a rebounder, anyway?
2. The Friend
Yeahhh, you guys are pals, it’ll be totally fine. “It won’t get weird after, right?” you clarify as he mouth-breathes into your neck, having long ago leapt off the sexual reason cliff on a magic carpet of brown liquor. “Of course not,” he promises, pants around his ankles.
WRONG. It’s going to get weird, we promise — we simply haven’t figured out why just yet. Whiskey dick? The delusion that we’re going to extrapolate this sweaty encounter into the chokehold of a relationship? It’s hard to say, because even when we spit out our intentions in simple English free of coded expectations, shit tends to go awry. Things may get better down the road, but if you choose to disregard this advice, prepare to feel awkward for reasons beyond your understanding for a while.
3. The Recently Out of a Relationship/Recently DivorcedBro
This is the guy that was locked down early, and had no bedroom skills to speak of. But with hard work, time, and a lot of patience, his former girlfriend sent him back out into singledom knowing exactly what a woman wants in the bedroom and how to give it to her. And while those sex skills were clearly disciplined into him, like shame into a catholic schoolboy, similar guilt becomes far too evident when he uses them. Nothing is sadder than that “did I just cheat on my girlfriend” look that he’ll give you when the afterglow has passed.
4. The Cheater
This guy thinks with his dick first, his brain second and his heart last – especially when it comes to you and the poor sap he’s managed to sucker into a relationship. He’s a less confused and ethically murky version of some of our other no-no bros, without the capacity for social conscience-based shame. While it’s his responsibility to safeguard and disclose his relationship status, whatever that may be, his indiscretions can definitely still blowback on you. I’m talking a shitstorm of rage and jealousy from his poor put upon partner, and all the drama that comes with that. Avoid avoid avoid.
5. The Younger Guy
You may think that your pre-cougar game in strong enough to keep up with a guy many years your junior, but there are many pitfalls to be aware of. Younger usually means less experienced, meaning you’ll probably have to teach him at least a move or two, or reteach yourself how to fake it. Younger also means more energy – far more energy than you’ve had since you were, well, his age. While this may seem like a plus now, you may reconsider when you find yourself in the ER at 5am, nursing an injury caused by his over eager attempts at position changes. Young guys are the Energizer Bunny: they can keep going and going and going with or without you.
6. The Saddy-times Christ Seeker
This guy is just seeking salvation through pussy. Being someone’s lover-savior is so often romanticized. Broken, beaten down person is rescued by a whirlwind romance so torrid and fierce, it’ll give him dick whiplash.
Unfortunately, you’re going to have a real bad time in this situation. Being someone’s raison d’être is a horrifying, claustrophobic experience that takes over everything good in your life. Don’t bother – it’s the relationship equivalent of buying over-priced, pre-torn jeans.
7. The User and the Loser
This guy knows a thing or two about manipulation. He’s used those skills to get out of taking responsibility for pretty much everything and anything in his life, and that will include anything he does with or to you. He’ll waste your time, energy and even more if you let him, and you’ll just feel worse about yourself and ever meeting him as a result. Trust your gut when it tells you to flee, and keep your eye out for your next low maintenance, high fun return partner. He’s out there, trust us.
Just remember ladies; when you’re thinking that you’ve somehow driven a guy away with your capacity for emotion creation, chances are in cases such as these, it’s actually them, not you. Boys are just figuring out that having feelings is okay, and are just figuring out how to deal with them. It’ll take patience and care for you to navigate this sea of fuckery, because you’ll definitely get it before they do.
Sigh, men. We just want them to be hard, and instead, they have to be difficult. Bang with caution, ladies!