They say it takes half the length of your relationship to truly get over it. Well, the sands of time are running pretty low on my allotted three and half years of recuperation grace period, so here’s what I’ve learned in that time about who not to date or even legitimately think about dating. (P.S. I don’t even actually date).
1) Famous people: celebrities, athletes, musicians, actors.
My my my, aren’t we feeling special! The one who can have everyone wants you!
Nope! They probably have you and everyone else. They say all the right things and blind you with glamor, but chances are that you’re a blip on their buffet. Or that they’re married and dicking you around. Literally, figuratively, etc. etc.
2) People who are as into your job as they are into you.
Okay, I don’t know why, but I’m put off when guys take too much interest in my career or professional abilities. I’m like, WHAT?! You want me for my brains?! Those are mine, yo! Maybe it’s just me, but I have no real desire to date someone who can benefit from me professionally. Then it becomes the “Them Show” and I have to find a hundred ways to assure them they’re great. I fantasize about someone who’s got their own thing going and is confident in their trajectory. Supportive, complementary independence would be rad, but is unlikely for the preceding and following reasons.
3) People who really, really like you.
Now there’s a recipe for a good smothering! The searching gazes into your eyes, extravagant displays of unwelcome public affection and touching (like, why don’t you just lift a leg a pop a stream down my side?), and neediness like a teat-seeking newborn… Suddenly, being alone doesn’t seem so bad.
4) People who you actually really, really like.
So you genuinely like someone as a human being? You appreciate their personality, values, intellect, humour and overall company beyond just the boom boom? Well, there’s your first mistake! It’s all going to hell in a handbasket from here, and for no comprehensible reason. Baiiii!
5) ANYONE AT ALL.
Let’s face it: it’s all going to culminate in some level of disappointment, from mild to earth-shattering. Just avoid it all. Did someone give you bedroom eyes at the bar? Shield yourself and retreat cautiously but swiftly, lest you catch something dangerous, like feelings or monogamy.
In short, can everyone please focus less on finding someone to make them miserable for the rest of their days and work on improving all those other parts of life that make it worth living? Remember your friends? Click out of Tinder long enough to have a conversation. Your job/career and hobbies? Give them a whirl, they can bring you some measure of joy in the long-term as well, as fulfilling as having a permanent set of spousal genitals nearby totally is.
And on that note, power to those freaky unicorn couples that do exist, who manage to each have sets of friends that don’t feel abandoned or neglected, whose ambitions extend beyond having already settled for each other. Keep on setting that example (until monogamy inevitably wears down your will to live – then RUN).