What is it about being in a couple that makes some people lose their ever loving minds? Is it the regular sex? Is it the fact that you should be having regular sex but you aren’t for whatever reason? Is it that you’ve realized you can’t have sex with anyone else? It must have something to do with sex. Anyway, after surveying a few of my trusted advisors (i.e. Dr. Alex Payne, the LOVE doctor, and that one Whatsapp chat I’m part of), it turns out that many of us have observed strange and extremely annoying behavior exhibited by couples. And, full disclosure, some of those surveyed are ACTUALLY IN COUPLES. I may be a judgy bitch but I’m a fair judgy bitch. So couples out there, if you read this and find that you are doing one of these things, I’m sorry to tell you, YOU ARE ANNOYING. Kindly stop.
Immediately turning into a unit vs two separately functioning humans
“What are your plans for the weekend?” “We haven’t decided yet.” “Do you like this restaurant?” “We prefer this place.” I’m sorry, am I talking to a single sentient being or a member of the Borg? Also using “we” and automatically assuming I’ll know you’re talking about you and your significant other makes an ass out of you. I make no assumptions about people’s lives, except maybe the one where I assume they can think for themselves and function without their SO. My bad.
Yes this is a thing. To the couples that seem to think that a matching outfit is a public declaration of your infinite compatibility: it’s not. You’re not a set of twin toddlers. You’re not on a sports team. You’re just super lame. And to the men that allow themselves to be coerced into this behavior, I invite you to reach into your ladyfriend’s purse and retrieve your testicles. That, or continue to enjoy her obviously incredible fellatio skills.
Baby/cheesy/weirdo talk and voices
Is your significant other a puppy, a kitten, or a baby? No? He or she is an adult human who can clean up his or her own feces? Then can the baby talk. Or at least save it for the bedroom. Who knows what turns you weird couple types on.
Irritating social media behavior
I wrote an entire piece about this. Go read it, and if you see anything you’ve ever done on that list immediately reconsider all your life choices. Also consider purging all evidence from your social media accounts BEFORE the inevitable breakup. After just makes it awkward for everyone.
Bringing your SO everywhere with you whether it’s appropriate or not
Girls night is not the time to invite you BF to come hang out and stand around awkwardly in between you clutching at him to make sure he’s still there. If you have a strange physical condition that makes you incapable of existing for extending periods of time without your SO, go to a doctor. If you don’t, then go to a therapist, because that shit ain’t right. Also, it’s super awkward for your single friends to talk about their one night stands in front of your dude. For him, that is.
The Needy PDA
I have this cat. He’s super needy. Always needs to be touching me or hugging me. Sometimes his need to be near me is so intense he desperately clambers up my body to cling to my neck, clawing at me like he’s trying to crawl into my skin and become one with me.
I have seen multiple couples exhibiting that needy cat behavior.
If you’re so insecure about your relationship that you can’t stop touching your SO, grabbing at him or her, crawling into his lap or touching some part of her body to ensure that a) he or she doesn’t get away or b) everyone knows that he or she is your property, you’ve got a problem. Your SO isn’t going to poof into thin air because you’re not maintaining skin to skin contact. Hit the release button on the claws of your neediness, because it’s really weird.
Couples, you clearly found and fell for each other based on qualities that you had as single people. Don’t lose those qualities simply because you’re together now. Spending time separately makes you a stronger couple because it makes you better individuals, which will make you a stronger couple. Cherish and nurture your individuality, and celebrate those differences in each other. Be mature, be respectful, and be yourself. Your single and non annoying couple friends will thank you for it.