I don’t want to be accused of making sweeping generalizations about an entire gender (oh who am I kidding? I don’t care), however, being someone who spends most of her time either discussing, writing about or being in relationships, I’ve noticed a few things that guys don’t pick up on, or worse, willfully ignore. I’ll take one for the team and try to dispense this wisdom to the male population. And gentlemen, you can thank me when your phone stops blowing up with passive aggressive texts.
10) Don’t send us unsolicited pictures of your dick
Unless stated otherwise, we don’t want it. That’s a terrifying thing to find when we open our phone. And remember, you aren’t the only ones who screen grab naked pictures and show people.
9) Yes, we noticed you liked that skank’s half-naked selfie
And yes, we hated that you did. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never met her/are just friends/she has 20,000+ likes on it anyway. Even if we don’t say anything to you (and ladies, for the love of God don’t say anything to him), it bothers us, and we’ve already told our friends.
8) Break up with us in person
I know that texting is way easier, and I know you hate confrontation. No one likes confrontation (and contrary to popular belief, even we don’t like confrontation). Know that there is no good way to break up with someone, but also know that some ways are better than others. At least call us, or even write a handwritten note! Let me know how that goes.
7) If you have no intention of seeing us again, just tell us
We would rather you tell us point blank that this isn’t going any further, as opposed to keeping us on the hook for a few weeks. Yes, we will call you a dick if you’re brutally honest, but trust me: we are going to call you a dick anyway. And chances are you don’t care what we think, so everyone wins.
6) If you don’t know what to introduce us as, just try using our name
Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you regularly enter our bodies, or plan on ever regularly entering our bodies, just say, “This is [her name here],” unless you have discussed otherwise. Don’t call us your friend if we aren’t, and don’t call us your girlfriend if we aren’t. Trust.
5) Respond to our texts
I mean, there’s obviously a line: if she’s being a total bunny boiler, just abort. Or if you’re legitimately busy, just let her know. However, if we text you and have a solid amount of evidence indicating a text back is appropriate, take the 30 seconds to respond. Pro tip: if you regularly enter our bodies, or plan to regularly enter our bodies, invest that tiny amount of time.
4) Don’t drunk text us if you’ve already ended things
I know there are times where the desire for a vagina is severe and urgent. However, don’t break a girl’s heart, not talk to her for three months, and then come out of the woodwork for what you know is only a booty call. It’s just not cool.
(Note: this applies to everyone.)
3) Don’t ask if we had an orgasm
If you have to ask, we didn’t. But hint: we don’t care if we do. I mean, if we did that’s just swell, but we still have fun when we don’t.
2) Don’t make us ask you to put on a condom
Just please, do us this one solid? Don’t ruin a Saturday by forcing us to ask you for a ride to the Morgentaler.
1) Stop viciously stabbing us with your finger during oral sex. Same goes for your tongue. That organ does its best work outside of the vagina. Trust us.
You’re welcome, ladies.
Header Image: The Love Whisperer