With much trepidation, I finally caved and downloaded Tinder. Now, before all of you out there start up with the “I knew it!” and “I told you sos,” you should know that I only downloaded it for work. Cue awkward silence… and now cue shameless self-promotion. For the past week, I’ve been using Tinder to recruit for HiM Promotions, and so far it’s actually been somewhat effective. My search for the handsome and international men has led me to make some disturbing, confounding and downright entertaining discoveries about what young men think will help find them a ladyfriend, whether it be for a lay or for life. And with that I give you my list of the 10 awkward things guys are doing on Tinder.
1) Flexing, benchpressing, lifting or anything else related to the gym selfies.
While this may be exactly what I need to figure out if you’re HiM material, remember: I’m not your target audience. Speaking for the genuinely into Tinder girls out there, we get it; you like to crush it at the gym, bro. We only care about what your body looks like and what you can do with it, not how you got it. Save the selfies for your #fitfam crew on Instagram.
2) So many fishing selfies…
Can fishing REALLY be this popular? There is an insane amount of men on Tinder posing with their latest “catch,” and somehow I doubt every single one of them is trying to create a visual metaphor for their Tinder-related intentions. If your photo leaves a gal wondering if you’re going to smell like a big mouth bass when she goes out with you, maybe you should rethink it.
3) Car selfies
Car selfies may actually outnumber fishing selfies. You’ve got a car eh? Neat. However did you get out of that $220 ticket you got while updating that stunning automotive portrait to your profile?
4) Profile pics with your ex clearly cut out of the shot.
Hey, genius, we see that feminine shoulder or errant lock of hair you forgot to crop out of your smiling, super happy profile picture. Maybe you should have taken a page out of car selfie dude’s book. At least his shit is fresh.
5) Puppy selfies.
“Hey! I’m a nice guy! I swear! Don’t believe me? Look! A puppy!”
Yes puppies are cute. Who doesn’t love a puppy? Just don’t lead with the puppy pic, it makes it seem like you’re trying a little TOO hard, and that just makes things awkward for everyone.
6) Cool it with the exploitative vacation photos
Quit taking pictures of yourself with kangaroos in a wretched zoo or while making fun of a country’s locals just to score an eye catching profile pic. I’ve never seen “makes himself look like a jerk while on vacation” on anyone’s list of turn ons.
7) Never-ending group photos.
If I STILL can’t tell which guy you are after swiping through 5 photos, that’s a problem, and I’m not even trying to bang you. When you do lock a girl down for a date, you don’t want her showing up only to be disappointed that you aren’t the dude to your left.
8) Long-winded, defensive and likely reactive profiles.
If your profile blurb is a long list of reasons why girls have rejected you, followed by insults hurled at these girls, followed by a warning not to swipe right if the things on the aforementioned list would bother you… no. Just, no.
9) Insulting and mansplaining profiles.
We get it; you’re only on Tinder to hook up. Telling us that that’s all we’re here for too, and worse, that we’re lying to ourselves if we’re not? That’s the best way to score a date with Palmella tonight. Also, telling us that you “incredibly skilled at oral” (a real thing I have read) isn’t convincing. Real skill doesn’t need advertising.
10) Being just plain lazy.
Even if you’re of the mind that Tinder is solely a hook up tool, at least have some finesse about it. Don’t open with “Come over?,” “I’m recruiting girls for fucking,” “I wanna fuck u hard” (all messages I’ve received), or any variation of the above. A women’s vagina is not a pizza; you can’t order it in just because you’re too lazy to go out. If you’re incapable of forming full, coherent and engaging opening sentence, how much effort can we expect you to put into actual sex?
To all the men on Tinder guilty of these offenses and more, thanks for making it easier for the ladies to weed out the douchebags. It’s a minefield out there ladies, so swipe carefully!