Last week, Wall Street Insanity posted an article called, “50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men,” a sort of cheeky, but mostly earnest, list of things ladies should accept about men, with roughly the following range of items:
- Basic logic
- Ha! In your wet dreams!
- Get fucked, buddy
- I suppose that’s reasonable
I’m sure the article itself is intended as much to spark debate and ruffle feathers as it is to echo the collective male position of, “Maaaan, I just want to relax and possibly get a blowjob. Pizza?” To be honest, my first reaction was, “You people aren’t nearly that complicated, that’s our schtick,” and having gone through the entire list, my position hasn’t changed much.
1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
– This is true. I’ve been there. It was horrifying. I felt woozy, nauseous and displaced from time and space, even though I logically knew there was nothing wrong with it. So, I grabbed a friend and Googled every kind of disturbing porn we could think of and watched until we felt physically unwell. I still think a lot of it is gross, but I don’t begrudge men that (most of) their biological imperative is to be primal, disgusting dirtpigs.
2. You Can’t Change Him
– You really, really can’t. Don’t take it personally. Don’t waste your life struggling to achieve the pointless. Also, you should probably like him for who he is if you want spend untold amounts of time with him.
3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women
– Ladies, that’s human nature. Why aren’t you checking out other dudes? If either of you can’t control whose genitals you mash yours against, then I’d be worried. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder and appreciating beautiful things is one of the very enjoyable things life has to offer. For both of you.
4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You
– Maybe if he’s a total douche-bro with the social motor skills of an infant. A real man will be able to integrate the various facets of his life – love, friends, kids if he has them – without making one feel less valuable than the other. At least, he should be willing to learn how to do that if he wants a partner. Plus, you’re your own woman, aren’t you? Shouldn’t you have your own set of friends you can hang with? If your sun rises and sets with a dude, you’re doing it wrong.
5. Never Criticize His Mother
– If his mother is a complete witch and he’s oblivious to it, run. This isn’t a movie and the antics won’t be cute. If she’s not, you, as a reasonable human being, should be able to gauge when to bite your tongue.
6. You Have To Let Shit Go
– Yeah, but so does he. If there’s something either of you are going to harp on forever-fucking-more, you’re gonna have a bad time.
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To
– Two-way street.
8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door
– Okay, women aren’t labradoodles. Who thinks this shit? Anyway, shouldn’t you want to maul your lady when you get home? Do you have a testosterone issue that only television can fix? That aside, I support giving each other space and learning to recognize when the other needs it, regardless of time of day.
9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game
– It’s true, on both sides. That’s where hate is born! That said, many women don’t do well with separating sex and emotions. If your lady is upset with you for something or you’re fighting, chances are your penis isn’t the solution. She may not so much be withholding sex as she mentally can’t get it up for you given the unaddressed issue.
10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends
– That’s true. Y’all need to get over that. Even if our male friends want to bang us, being an insecure little bitch about it isn’t going to makes us cower in awe of your masculine desirability. As females, we spend most of our lives fending off the penises that want a piece of our action. We’re pretty good at it without your moody intervention.
11. He Wants To Try Anal
That’s nice. Some girls love that. Some girls don’t. Some girls don’t care to find out. Have a reasonable conversation about it and if she’s not interested, deal with it, or take your penis size issues elsewhere, or find something else to brag to your buddies about.
12. He Wants To Bang Your Friends
– Yes, yes, we addressed the whole dirtpig thing in #1. That’s fine. Just keep it in your pants and don’t go gushing about how hot other chicks are like a sliced jugular.
13. You Should Learn To Play Pool
– That’s true. But you suckers fall for the “Teehee, how do I hold this cue? *bats eyelashes*” schtick every time. You’re really not as picky as you like to pretend you are.
14. He Wants You To Seduce Him
– This is true, ladies. Chances of a dude turning you down for any of the bases are slim. But, bro-friends, ladies like a little wooing too before letting their inner vixens out. Lookit that! Once again, it goes both ways.
15. He Notices When You Don’t Wear The Jewelry He Bought You
– Really? This is a thing? This is another issue that could be completely avoided by an honest conversation. Or, maybe your gal isn’t wearing your gifts because they’re not to her taste. This is where actually paying attention to her style comes in handy. That, or hit up one of her friends for some shopping help. You’ll look like a hero, and she’ll get something she actually likes, jewelry or otherwise. Win-win!
16. He Wants You To Need Him
– Hey, and I’m fully ready to need a guy. I sat in the dark with a rotting mouse in my closet for weeks once, because I needed manbeef to help me deal with it. Bugs? I NEED a man for that. Broken stuff? Baby, you don’t even know how much I need you! Hell, we’ve already written about this exact thing. There are some things that we are more than happy to let you boys take care of for us. That being said, if you’ve gone and fallen for an awesome, independent lady, don’t get your panties in a twist because she’s off being her awesome, independent self. Just remember, she’s choosing to be with you, and to spend what is probably very valuable and limited amounts of her time with you. Wouldn’t you rather be wanted than needed? I know I would.
17. You’ve Got To Watch Your Weight
– Goes both ways, plain and simple. But, really, you fall in love with a person, not a number on a scale. If you’re tracking her body pound by pound, your inner primal dirtpig needs to go in for a check-up, because you’re man-ing wrong.
18. If You’ve Been Living Together For Longer Than Three Years, He’s Not Going To Marry You
– Oh, please. Don’t delude yourselves into thinking that the prospect of marriage is a treat you can dangle above a chick’s head to make her do tricks and stay obedient. Not everyone, male or female, needs a promise of marriage to feel secure in their love and relationship. If either of you do, your relationship is probably doomed because of your faulty sheep logic. Baaaaa.
19. Ultimatums Do NOT Work
– No, they don’t. Manipulation in general isn’t cute, whether direct or discreet.
20. He Wants Kids
– Well, not all chicks are ready – and may never be – to pez dispense the fruits of your filler packs. So y’all should probably talk about that before hardcore commitment.
21. He Knows When You’re Lying To Him
– I think we all can sense when something is off. Your peeny-senses aren’t biologically better tuned.
22. He Wants You To Like What He Likes
– Of course. We both do. That’s half the fun of getting to know someone: learning about their passions and hobbies. It goes both ways. Within reason, of course. For example, we wouldn’t break up with someone because they don’t want a Soundgarden tattoo to match ours.
23. He Thought You Looked Good In That First Outfit
– Yeahhh, our outfit struggles aren’t for your benefit. Sorry, brah. We’re changing ’em until something feels just right, or risk being uncomfortable and potentially even cranky for the rest of the night. We assume your end goal is to take whatever we’re wearing off, so how much you like it is of little to no importance (though you are welcome to appreciate it).
24. He Has No Interest In Shoes
– Cool story, bro. Not askin’ for a thesis on the subject, so no worries.
25. You Should Always Take His Side
– Sure, when it’s reasonable to do so! And vice versa, natch.
26. He Wants You To Expose Him To New Things
– Great! We’re happy to, and are more than open to the same from men.
27. You Need To Tell Him Exactly What You Want
– This is probably true. Communication is key. On the other hand, sometimes it’s nice to be taken by surprise when someone has taken the time to learn to read you… and chances are women can read you reeeeally well.
28. He Hates That Short Haircut
– Seems like a pretty basic rule of thumb that one penis shall not dictate the wants and needs of all the penises. Short hair can be incredibly hot, so if you’re still nursing those caveman urges and your gal’s newly shorn locks are cramping your style on that front, chances are you need a reality check more than she needs a trip to the extensions specialist.
29. He Wants You By His Side. If you abandon him at parties and go talk to your friends while he talks to his, you’re not giving him that level of completion he wants in a partner.
– This is actually nauseating. You should be able to be social without parasitically clinging to each other at all times. Both members of a couple should make effort to merge your circles of friends so that everyone can enjoy themselves beyond the boundaries of what sounds like an emotionally stunted, co-dependent, disaster-bound relationship.
30. You Should Never Flirt With His Friends
– Ditto. And no shit.
31. He Wants You To Be His Muse
– And we’d love to BE your muses. So quit moping and procrastinating and achieve that something you want to achieve. Work toward it actively and genuinely, and we’ll nurture and support your goals.
32. Whatever It Is You Want In Bed, He WILL Do It
– This is true. Ladies, take note and get brave.
33. He Needs To Lean On You Sometimes
– Not a damn thing wrong with that.
34. Save The Big Piece Of Chicken For Him
– I’m not sure if this is a strange throwback to when men were always the main breadwinner, and larger food portions were a sign of respect? If that’s the case, then get with the times menfolk, as that is no longer the age we live in. However, there is something to be said about male vs. female portion sizes. If you ladies out there are trying to match your man bite for bite at every meal, pretty soon your fat pants will be your life pants. Let him have his manly sized portions, and you listen to your own body and eat however much or little you want to stay your happy, healthy self.
35. Don’t EVER Emasculate Him
– Good call. Save yourself the trouble.
36. He Doesn’t Want To Hear About Your Sexual Past
– Then don’t ask.
37. He Wants To Be The Best Lover You’ve Ever Had
– Wanting and being are two very different things. If you want to be the most memorable and skilled lover your woman has ever been with, it’s going to take work and the genuine desire to please the person you’re with. That means learning what she likes, how she likes it, and doing it over and over again, whether that’s oral sex, dirty talk, choking or whatever it is you crazy kids do to get each other off. Practice makes perfect, and in this case that’s a great thing for everyone involved.
38. If He Cheats On You Once, he’ll Do It Again
– Actions speak far louder than words. He may say he’s sorry and it’ll never happen again, but learn to trust your gut. It’s usually never worth staying with a cheater.
39. You Should Let Him Open Doors For You
– You totally should. Also let him walk on the outside of the street and behind you on the stairs, so he can grab your ass on the way up AND cushion any potential falls with his person. Chivalry lives!
40. You Need To Be His Moral Compass
– Yeah, just do what we say. It’s usually better that way.
41. You Should Let Him Win Sometimes
– This statement exemplifies a strange male competitive trait that I’m not a big fan of. If someone needs to win, chances are there’s score keeping happening in your relationship. Guess what, it’s not a game. Stop with the points, and while you’re at it, work on your pussy eating abilities. Then EVERYONE wins.
42. If You Make Him Watch A Chick Flick, At Least Give Him A Blowjob Afterwards
– OR, you could be the kind of man that keeps us emotionally, mentally and sexually satisfied enough that we don’t need to liquefy our brains with innocuous rom-coms. Cool?
43. Speaking Of Threesomes… He Will NEVER Stop Trying
– It’s fine if you want to fulfill your girl on girl fantasy in the comfort of your own bedroom, but women these days are far more in control of their sexuality than they once were. They have their own fantasies to fulfill, and equality ranks highly for many of us. So if you’re ready to bring another lady into the bedroom, be ready to be asked for another dude to make an appearance down the road. And no, “no homo bro” is not a respectable answer to that request.
44. He Needs Quiet Sometimes
– Good lord, so do we. You think we want to deal with your man problems and hunger and unrelenting stiffies ALL the time? Aw HELL no!
45. You Should Compliment Him More
– That’s fair. We all need more compliments – and not just ones about how we look.
46. You Don’t Always Have To Be Right
– It is so important to be able to admit error or wrongdoing in a relationship, and to apologize genuinely. It’s a skill everyone needs to develop – the swallowing of pride, admission of imperfection. Man, the blowout fights you could avoid by being reasonable!
47. Make Sure You Look Just As Good When You Go Out With Him As When You Go Out With The Girls
– I can get behind looking nice for your partner, but you menfolk need to disabuse yourselves of the notion that our choice of clothing, footwear, makeup and hairdo is designed entirely to woo or replace you. It’s for us.
48. He’s Not Your Dad
– Thank god. Also, ew that this is even a consideration.
49. You’re Not His Mother
– Prove it by not making us clean up after you and cook for you like you’re a teenage boy who’s too busy crusting up his socks to practice basic hygiene and tidiness. We don’t want to have to do or say motherly things; it doesn’t make us feel like ripping our panties off in a fit of passion.
50. He’s Not As Complicated As You Are
– That about sums it up. If men are fed, sexed and not under financial strain, they’re generally pretty manageable creatures.
*original article written by Chuck Henderson for Wall Street Insanity. Addicted is simply giving a woman’s response.