We’re a few months into 2017, and I of course have been sucked back into the world of app dating. What can I say, they make for good bathroom games, and my social life always takes a nosedive between winter and spring. Not a lot has changed since I left it in 2016. It’s still super fucking weird out there, and I’m here to share some of the weirder stuff I’ve encountered.
Friendly reminder, as a heterosexual female, these fascinating tidbits that I’ve stumbled upon reflect my experience as such. So without further ado, here are some of the latest profile peculiarities I’ve encountered while app dating in 2017.
Pictures with another person, whose anonymity requires their faces either messily blacked out or covered with an awkward emoji
In this day and age where literally every human over the age of 7 has phone with a camera in it, is that picture of you with some other person, a person that can’t even be seen by the public, is the BEST photo you had? I’m pretty sure in the time you took to download a photo editing app, upload that photo into said app, and using your clumsy finger to squiggle or place emoji face over this other person, you probably could have just taken at least 3 new photos for your dating profile.
A LOT of guys have gone to Hogwarts
And yet I still haven’t come across Harry Potter or the now shockingly hot Neville Longbottom. Way to get my hopes up fellas.
Even more guys have gone to the “School of Hard Knocks”
Apparently I’ve stumbled into a modern remake of Annie. Spoiler alert; it’s actually worse than that monstrosity with Jamie Foxx.
Awesome is a job title
What’s the paygrade for that buddy?
A distinct lack of honesty
I’ve come across several men that are in obvious couple pictures but with absolutely no explanation provided. I’m talking about arms around each other, kissing, posing and being adorably coupley with a girl in multiple, if not all of the pictures on a guy’s profile. Generally this is when I click down to read his bio, expecting to read that this guy is in a polyamorous relationship and looking for a cuddle buddy, or that it’s a couple unicorn hunting or some other form of shared/group lovin situation. Then I’m met with nothing. Not a word of explanation, no context, just a brief eyeroll and an inevitable left swipe.
Almost Excessive Honesty
“Married and looking for…” – an actual line from not one, not two, but SEVERAL guys’ profile bio. I guess the demise of Ashley Madison has left a void in the online cheating marketplace. Guys, I get that you have to get your jollies somewhere, but it’s already hard enough to find a decent guy to date these days. There are literally apps to create apps these days, so get someone to develop AM 2.0 and leave us actual singles out of it.
Another gem? “Been snipped – no kids. Swipe left if that’s a dealbreaker”
Critical call out
I keep coming across guys who decide their bio is the right spot to call out whatever grievances they’ve acquired with women on the app. From ranting about gals correcting grammar, to the perpetual penpals they seem to continuously encounter, and the outrage that seems to be sparked from getting matched but never contacted, these bros have beef and they’re not afraid to share it.
Pictures with (insert Canadian celebrity here)
I’ve never been much for celeb encounters, much less taking photos to commemorate the occasion (my recent photo with Shemar Moore notwithstanding, because have you SEEN that guy? But I digress.) Guys on apps like Bumble really seem to love posting photos next to random Canadians of varying degrees of fame. Rob Ford, Norm Kelly and Drake rank high on this list, specific to the 416 area code. Expanding past that, I’ve seen several Chris Hadfield’s and Gord Downie’s (cool or crass, I’m still not sure).
Never married no kids no drama
I have seen that list, verbatim though in various display formats, on so many profiles it now just makes me laugh. Did guys congregate and decide this was some sort of mating call that guaranteed them app dating success? Besides the fact that having kids or having previously been married doesn’t necessarily equate to drama, there are also many other sources of drama that have nothing to do with having a marital or parental pass.
And people wonder why I’m so on the fence about dating apps.
Encountered your own profile peculiarities? Tweet them to @thenadiae and @weraddicted and let us commiserate together!